The Royal Conservatoire The Hague

A Small Child’s Parents Guide

About six months ago we attended an open day for children from five to seven years old at the Royal Conservatoire in The Hague. We took the train from Leiden to The Hague Central Station and walked a few minutes to the Amare building which houses the conservatoire. When I used to teach at Leiden University campus The Hague, I watched the building rise from the classroom window. I had always been very curious about it, mostly because the construction looked impressive, so when I saw the conservatoire’s open day, I took the opportunity to visit.

The open day took place on the fourth floor, with several large rooms reserved for the occasion. We first entered the drum room. The music was upbeat, the teachers warm, and while there were many moving parts, everything looked harmonious and we immediately felt part of it. It was like walking into a music box. My son was trying to play the marimba when a little girl, around eight years old, suddenly materialized next to him and showed him the basics. I was captivated: the room, the music, the atmosphere, the perfectly sized small instruments, the little helpers. When my son was ready to move on, I did not want to leave.

We moved through rooms with tiny harps, flutes, violins, cellos. He was curious, but usually after ten minutes: done. As we walked the corridor I asked my husband about accordion, I had seen it on the website. A family passing by heard me and pointed us to the end of the hall.

There were about ten families waiting for their turn. The room was large, with tall glass windows overlooking De Nieuwe Kerk. First we sat on the floor like most people, except for two adults sitting on plastic chairs close to the teacher. I paid attention to the people who came after us in order to keep track of our turn, a sacrosanct ritual in the Netherlands. It really was taking a long time. Eventually the people in the plastic chairs left and I sat on one, my son dragged himself along the floor stretching out towards me, reaching for my hand in a desperate plea for rescue from boredom. He sat on my lap and I asked him if he wanted to leave, I was ready to go. But he did not want to leave which honestly surprised me. At that point we had lost sight of dad, who was last seen somewhere in the back among the sea of desperate parents.

Once on my lap, he stayed very close to me, caressing my face, playing staring contests. He was soothing me as much as I was soothing him. I remembered a time when he was about three years old and we went to the World Museum in Leiden, and how he had done the same thing while we were waiting in line to buy lunch. I don’t remember what the occasion was, but the museum was completely packed. We were in line for a very, very long time, and I carried him the entire time, afraid he would be crushed in the crowd. He was surprisingly calm, enjoying being so close to mama’s face with his little sticky hands and sudden savage kisses. It was much the same at the Conservatoire: close, warm, cuddly. He smelled like strawberries and candy.

Eventually it was our turn. With each child we had observed exactly the same sequence: a child would sit on the tiny stool, the teacher would help them strap on the accordion. Then she would show them how to make some sounds and how to use some of the buttons, and she would invite them to play. All the children were, understandably, very cautious and contained during their interaction.

And then came my son’s turn. I was expecting more of the same but he was, sparkly, exuberant even. It was like the lights suddenly went on and the performance began. He was smiling and enjoying himself so much. He tried to follow the teacher’s instructions and it just looked like a good time. I did not expect that at all, particularly after seeing the previous children.

In the following weeks we received all the information for the test day. We hadn’t seriously considered taking him to the test day, but after his enthusiasm during the open day, I decided to read about the programme to make an informed decision. I was pleasantly surprised by what I found. The instruction was divided into two parts, one for instrument learning, and one called Broad Musical Development (BMO in Dutch) where audiation, rhythm, and pitch relationships are learned through singing and movement games. Parents are expected to join the musical games, and be present during the instrument lessons. 

Learning music at that age is compared to learning a new language. The more I read, the more I liked it. Their approach seemed well aligned with our own parenting style, and the relational approach is something I recognized and warmly welcomed. So I put the date on my calendar.

We arrived on test day and soon after the accordion teacher came to greet us, she told my son she remembered him from the open day, and we walked through a long maze of empty rooms. It was extremely silent, I was wearing an anklet with bells and they were all we could hear, with each step I deeply regretted my choice of jewelry. I even wondered if I should walk “rhythmically” to make a good impression. Eventually we reached a room.

The room looked smaller than it was due to a large piano taking over almost half the space. On the remaining space there were two chairs and a small children’s stool, right in front of the stool there was a very small but extremely beautiful blue accordion. In my memory the accordion is almost incandescent. Erica picked up her accordion, and I helped my son strap his on. And the music began. 

I had no expectations, so what I encountered was completely unexpected. My son’s command of the instrument came as a surprise, he handled it with curiosity but also ease, it almost looked like familiarity. After he got a hold of the instrument, he mentally left the room and was elsewhere immersed in curiosity, discovery, and what looked like recognition. Even Erica made a comment about how intensely curious and engaged he was. 

After some minutes, Erica moved on with what I presume were the items to be tested. My own attention during the test, and subsequent recollection of events, is highly intermittent. My awareness moved like a photon: present one moment, gone the next, sometimes a wave, sometimes a particle, on and off throughout the test. From my perspective, there was a lot happening, much more than what was apparent. 

At some point, she tested his ear, she asked my son to recognize whether the tone she was playing was baby elephant or grandpa elephant. He seemed to be doing well, then suddenly, in a truly recognizable five year old fashion, he made up a story where grandpa elephant went away to run an errand and had been replaced by daddy elephant, so now he was identifying whether the tone was baby or daddy elephant. Erica, in order to make sure she was clear on what he was saying, repeated my son’s amendment of the story, my son confirmed, they both nodded, and moved on.

I am usually the intermediary between people and my son’s stories, particularly when he reclaims them, reshapes them and shares them back. Not this time. This time I literally had a front row seat to seeing my son being understood and met. It honestly blew my mind. The teacher was not only an expert in her field; she was able to meet him where he was, and without judgment or losing a beat, understand him and move on.

That moment might look small, but for me it was a major division in time. It felt like the beginning of a separation that is inevitable: the gradual separation between mother and child. Until that moment, my son needed me for many, even most tasks, including communicating with the world. But in that precise moment, I watched him being understood and completely accepted. His music adventure began right there, wholly his, a relationship between him and an accomplished musician. It is a victory as a parent, although it always comes coupled with subtle redundancy. That makes the sweetness of the moment a little bit deeply painful. But the joy of knowing he is finding his way in the world, and people who get him, is much greater.

At the end of the test Erica told my son enthusiastically that she couldn’t make the test any harder, he had identified all the elephants. And as we walked back she told me he was a natural.

We now go to the Conservatoire every Saturday morning on the 9:03 train. As part of the programme, we sing and dance together, and he plays the accordion.

My son during the open day at KonCon.

The music box.

The Bluest Sea

On Self, Landscape, and Motherhood

I will always remember the first time I saw the Caribbean Sea. Earlier that summer I had travelled to a small village in the Mayan region of southeastern Mexico to see a friend. She was conducting ethnographic work there because their sustainable logging practices had become an example in the region. We met the local academic in sustainable practices and visited the town’s small council where decisions were made. 

After a few days, when I saw that my friend was doing well on her own, I grabbed my backpack, waved goodbye and took a bus to a nearby town all the locals insisted I had to see. After a few hours I arrived at my destination. The bus parked near the sea, and since I had never seen the Caribbean Sea, I decided not to wait any longer and walked a few meters to meet it, hiking boots and all. 

The place was so beautiful it was almost a shock. My mind immediately became silent, no more narrator, no narrative, no inner thoughts or the formation of abstract ideas. Just the bluest sea. It was the first time I had such an  experience. The best way to describe it is like someone had pressed a button that turned my mind off. Complete silence.

I spent the following months in the open sea, kayaking, snorkeling, diving, floating in that never-ending blue. I was on my own for most of the trip. I swam with whales, colorful fish, over delicate reefs…

Many years later I found myself living in Leiden with my Dutch partner, pregnant, and with an ongoing global pandemic. My son was born in the summer of 2020, so most of my pregnancy unfolded during the strictest lockdowns. But we didn’t mind. At the time I worked at the local university, and my partner started to work from home.

Before the pandemic, we hardly used our car, so after the lockdowns began, we found the perfect excuse to phase it out. After our precious baby arrived, we bought an e-bakfiets. An e-bakfiets is a type of electrical cargo bike the Dutch use to transport children. 

We were very happy with our decision, which was only possible because of the way the Dutch cities are arranged and all the mobility options. Thanks to the ubiquitous bicycle paths we could cycle everywhere, doctor’s appointments, parks, playdates with friends.

I had never felt more healthy and full of energy. After the first tiring months that accompany a newborn, I gradually became more and more energetic. I felt like I was being carried by the sunlight, embraced by the warm wind. The changing weather kept me company, more palpable as I rode the bike with my little boy so close to me. I felt connected to the land, the wind, the water. I recognized again some moments of that blue sea silence, and took refuge in those moments.

Since my son was born I have taken him out for a walk in nature almost every day of his life. I have orchestrated a close relationship between his mind, his body and the natural environment. I always remind him of the wind when we hear tree leaves, I tell him the weather directly affects us just like the plants. Everything is water, and water is constant motion. He loves the moon and the stars, the beach and the sea, looking at the sky and running barefoot on the grass. We listen and distinguish the different songs of birds, just like my aunt once taught me. He knows we are nature. 

During that trip to the Caribbean I saw a whale with her baby, I swam near them, the mother herself was an island of life. All sorts of small fish and creatures were swimming around her, feeding off her, or even attached to her body. I am now her, with my little boy swirling around me, sometimes I call him my little satellite. 

He’ll grow so soon, and he’ll be independent and strong. I know because he is so much like me, and that likeness will take him away one day. I need to prepare him to listen to the wind, navigate the changing seasons, and forget himself in the sea. Whatever the future might bring.

Dramatic Dutch sky

Like the Dutch say: “effe chillen” in our electrical bakfiets

Blue sea

Amchi

Traditional Tibetan Medicine

In December of last year I went to see an Amchi, or Tibetan doctor. I had been thinking about a system to support my mental and physical health, particularly after some important family losses.

I also feel I am entering middle age, and I want to start thinking about how to take care of my mind and body as I age. Ideally, I wanted to return to a holistic and relational system. When I was in my 20s I started to see a Tibetan doctor, and when I moved to Belgium I quickly found an Amchi in Brussels.

After I moved to The Netherlands, twice per year I would travel from Leiden to Brussels to go see her, but eventually I stopped.

Through a Google search I found a handful of Amchi. One of them engaged my imagination and I decided to make an appointment to go see him. 

The day of the appointment I arrived an hour early. Because it was my first time, I didn’t want to be late. The place was a typical modern Dutch house in a residential area. I knocked on the door and the Amchi let me in. Then he immediately took me to a shed at the back of the house. 

The shed was made into a room for consultations. It was a very small room but quite beautiful, it looked like a mini-Buddhist temple. I immediately felt good and welcomed, it was a nice refuge from the miserable gray day. The Amchi left for a moment and then came back with tea for both of us and started the consultation. I felt bad because I was over an hour early, and when I came in, I could smell lunch was ready.

Because I had seen two Amchi regularly before him, I thought I knew what to expect. But unlike other Amchi, this consultation lasted two hours. He first took my pulse and asked about my life and why I was there. I told him that in the last two years I had a late-term pregnancy loss and that I had also lost both of my parents.

He took his time to talk to me. He talked about kindness and how important it is to be kind to everyone. He talked about gratitude and asked me to make space every day to be grateful. He gave me some breathing exercises and then checked some points around my body. A couple of places were moderately painful, and when he touched one point on my left leg it made me scream in pain. 

And after nearly two hours, when he was finished, he prayed.

My parents had different religions and belief systems, and growing up like that made me non-religious. But both of my parents always prayed for me, and they would mention it sometimes and I would roll my eyes.

Eventually, as I grew older and the years living abroad accumulated, I started to soften to their good wishes and appreciated the ways in which they showed me their love. After their passing, I was surprised to discover I was actually sad no one would pray for me anymore. Even though I don’t believe in a God, it felt like a real loss.

And there was my new Amchi, praying for me.

I thought I was looking for an Amchi but I think I was looking for my dad, his steady gentle advice, his care and love and good wishes.

One of the things that caught my attention most when I was seeing my previous Amchi in Brussels is that she would seem genuinely happy every time I would come back with my health slightly improved. After taking my pulses she would almost jump with joy and run around the room getting pills and powders to prepare my next treatment. I always found that so beautiful. It is rare to find people who can so freely and immediately care.

When I left Amchi’s house I felt I was going back into the world more protected, cared for, even stronger. As the days went by, I felt less fearful, less guarded, my mind more relaxed. Being kind became easier, and finding a moment every day to be grateful became something to look forward to.

Amchi in one of his travels to Tibet

The Householder

The past several years have been all sorts of intense.

I moved to the Netherlands ten years ago, and my partner (The Dutch) and I had a child five years ago. We live in Leiden and this place has now truly become our home. Since the birth of my son both of my parents have passed away, my dad two years ago and my mom last summer. I formed some precious friendships and others that exist more in the rhythm of my son’s playdates. I took a break from work, and now that our child goes to school, I am slowly finding my way back.

I was pregnant during the hardest coronavirus lockdowns yet I felt fine, safe, collected. My meditation practice had been flourishing before I became pregnant, and it continued to grow during the months preceding my son’s birth. I was leading a daily Social Meditation Zoom practice with local folks, it was beautiful.

After my son’s birth I felt so good, it was like a warm wind carried me everywhere.

With the help of Martine, a dharma friend and guide, I tried to bridge my formal meditation practice with everyday activity. Beyond the famous washing the dishes or doing the laundry mindfully image, I tried to chop wood and carry water with an infant. I had some previous experiences to guide me, or remind me what a state of just being, or just doing felt like.

For a while it was relatively easy to ignore narratives, at least the known ones, and to come back to the breath, or the tiny child, or the warm sun.

But, in my mind at least, the lack of formal practice together with the complexities of life, including those of a foreign mother navigating child-rearing in a different country, started to create a different set of conditions.

As I return to formal practice, I want to write about what being a householder practitioner was and is like for me. There are not many accounts in the Buddhist scriptures about what a householder path looks like. And for some reason, that path has always engaged my imagination.

I find this an important conversation, not only for Buddhist or practitioners within (or without) a tradition, but also for people engaged in other disciplines that require the right intention, gentle discipline and space-time. I think for example, of Ashtanga Yoga, which I practiced in Belgium before I moved to The Netherlands. Maybe, this is something we can figure out this century.

The last turning of the wheel is also driven by householders.

At our favorite place, Katwijk.