Tag Archives: Sukha

The Householder

The past several years have been all sorts of intense.

I moved to the Netherlands ten years ago, and my partner (The Dutch) and I had a child five years ago. We live in Leiden and this place has now truly become our home. Since the birth of my son both of my parents have passed away, my dad two years ago and my mom last summer. I formed some precious friendships and others that exist more in the rhythm of my son’s playdates. I took a break from work, and now that our child goes to school, I am slowly finding my way back.

I was pregnant during the hardest coronavirus lockdowns yet I felt fine, safe, collected. My meditation practice had been flourishing before I became pregnant, and it continued to grow during the months preceding my son’s birth. I was leading a daily Social Meditation Zoom practice with local folks, it was beautiful.

After my son’s birth I felt so good, it was like a warm wind carried me everywhere.

With the help of Martine, a dharma friend and guide, I tried to bridge my formal meditation practice with everyday activity. Beyond the famous washing the dishes or doing the laundry mindfully image, I tried to chop wood and carry water with an infant. I had some previous experiences to guide me, or remind me what a state of just being, or just doing felt like.

For a while it was relatively easy to ignore narratives, at least the known ones, and to come back to the breath, or the tiny child, or the warm sun.

But, in my mind at least, the lack of formal practice together with the complexities of life, including those of a foreign mother navigating child-rearing in a different country, started to create a different set of conditions.

As I return to formal practice, I want to write about what being a householder practitioner was and is like for me. There are not many accounts in the Buddhist scriptures about what a householder path looks like. And for some reason, that path has always engaged my imagination.

I find this an important conversation, not only for Buddhist or practitioners within (or without) a tradition, but also for people engaged in other disciplines that require the right intention, gentle discipline and space-time. I think for example, of Ashtanga Yoga, which I practiced in Belgium before I moved to The Netherlands. Maybe, this is something we can figure out this century.

The last turning of the wheel is also driven by householders.

At our favorite place, Katwijk.

Italian Experience

The Context

We just came back from a two-week vacation on the Italian coast. And I was very determined to spend every minute with daylight either on the beach or under the sea. I mostly succeeded.

During the first week of our arrival my airbnb hosts, an Italian couple, seven years together, encounter some issues. More specifically, she found out he was cheating on her and decided to leave him, packing and arranging moving trucks during our stay. During this painful time I decided to be present with her and her pain, having an Italian ex who also cheated on me allow me to connect based on my own experience and add some sorority love.

Towards the second week we noticed the ambiance was slightly too tense and decided to book a room at some bed & breakfast by the sea. I was still determined to spend as much time as close to the sea as possible.

Bu then my partner at some point mentioned he was bored with the beaches, which to me, made no sense. He wanted to, like do something else?! In light of his request and my admittedly selfish desire to be by the sea, I decided to solve the issue by skillful means, lol. So I told him we could do anything he wants but he must arrange the stay. He did come up with one plan, a place on the mountains –why?! I will never understand the Germanic mind. Anyway, his plan fell apart when he called the place he wanted to say in. Of course requesting a room within 24 hours during high season Italy was never going to work. I asked if he had a second choice for an overnight stay, you know, like a plan B. He did not. So the issue resolved itself #SkillfulMeans.

But I felt a bit evil, so me, being the almighty good meditator that “I” am, decided to help search for a place. I managed to find a place somewhere in the mountains and with good ratings for that very night. But srsly, the mountains… Pfff. Next day we were happily driving back to the sea. Mountains are weird, we all agreed.

The Experience

While I did encounter some mishaps, I managed to spend most days on a beautiful beach. And I was just there. Didn’t read, didn’t write or spent any time on my phone. I just sat there, or swam, or floated.

When I came back to The Netherlands, everything was different. My attention could easily rest on anything but furthermore, I found everything quite beautiful. The Sunlight particularly, even against the ugly side walk was of such a lovely quality. I drove my bike to the supermarket, and the tall trees I always bike by pulled me out of my head and I became the leafs and the wind. Quite beautiful, and with no effort whatsoever. The sound of the leaves, the wind… I was just sliding through the day and life, nothing particular, yet another world.

It made me think about

Arising and Passing Away?

It only lasted a few days, and I slowly felt like I was going back to the “cage”, which I have mostly created myself, I now realize.

I also feel the way I meditate is changing, there is a lot less effort now, nothing to do. Just communion with light, leaves, birds, water, nature. Now mostly with my eyes open.

Cala luna kayaks

Above, in our way to Cala Luna.