Anatta – Self-Ethnography

The Bluest Sea

On Self, Landscape, and Motherhood

I will always remember the first time I saw the Caribbean Sea. Earlier that summer I had travelled to a small village in the Mayan region of southeastern Mexico to see a friend. She was conducting ethnographic work there because their sustainable logging practices had become an example in the region. We met the local academic in sustainable practices and visited the town’s small council where decisions were made.

After a few days, when I saw that my friend was doing well on her own, I grabbed my backpack, waved goodbye and took a bus to a nearby town all the locals insisted I had to see. After a few hours I arrived at my destination. The bus parked near the sea, and since I had never seen the Caribbean Sea, I decided not to wait any longer and walked a few meters to meet it, hiking boots and all.

The place was so beautiful it was almost a shock. My mind immediately became silent, no more narrator, no narrative, no inner thoughts or the formation of abstract ideas. Just the bluest sea. It was the first time I had such an experience. The best way to describe it is like someone had pressed a button that turned my mind off. Complete silence.

I spent the following months in the open sea, kayaking, snorkeling, diving, floating in that never-ending blue. I was on my own for most of the trip. I swam with whales, colorful fish, over delicate reefs…

Many years later I found myself living in Leiden with my Dutch partner, pregnant, and with an ongoing global pandemic. My son was born in the summer of 2020, so most of my pregnancy unfolded during the strictest lockdowns. But we didn’t mind. At the time I worked at the local university, and my partner started to work from home.

Before the pandemic, we hardly used our car, so after the lockdowns began, we found the perfect excuse to phase it out. After our precious baby arrived, we bought an e-bakfiets. An e-bakfiets is a type of electrical cargo bike the Dutch use to transport children.

We were very happy with our decision, which was only possible because of the way the Dutch cities are arranged and all the mobility options. Thanks to the ubiquitous bicycle paths we could cycle everywhere, doctor’s appointments, parks, playdates with friends.

I had never felt more healthy and full of energy. After the first tiring months that accompany a newborn, I gradually became more and more energetic. I felt like I was being carried by the sunlight, embraced by the warm wind. The changing weather kept me company, more palpable as I rode the bike with my little boy so close to me. I felt connected to the land, the wind, the water. I recognized again some moments of that blue sea silence, and took refuge in those moments.

Since my son was born I have taken him out for a walk in nature almost every day of his life. I have orchestrated a close relationship between his mind, his body and the natural environment. I always remind him of the wind when we hear tree leaves, I tell him the weather directly affects us just like the plants. Everything is water, and water is constant motion. He loves the moon and the stars, the beach and the sea, looking at the sky and running barefoot on the grass. We listen and distinguish the different songs of birds, just like my aunt once taught me. He knows we are nature.

During that trip to the Caribbean I saw a whale with her baby, I swam near them, the mother herself was an island of life. All sorts of small fish and creatures were swimming around her, feeding off her, or even attached to her body. I am now her, with my little boy swirling around me, sometimes I call him my little satellite.

He’ll grow so soon, and he’ll be independent and strong. I know because he is so much like me, and that likeness will take him away one day. I need to prepare him to listen to the wind, navigate the changing seasons, and forget himself in the sea. Whatever the future might bring.

Dramatic Dutch sky

Like the Dutch say: “effe chillen” in our electrical bakfiets

Blue sea

Deathless ALDI

On The Ordinary & The Sublime

Some time ago I was at an Aldi near the Central Station in Leiden. I almost never go to the Aldi, but for whatever reason I was there.

It’s a small store, there are no windows, the produce is surprisingly fresh and sometimes you can find Trader Joe’s products.

I was standing there, nothing special, bright white lights, people moving quietly through the aisles, then something shifted. There was suddenly an experience of “being everything”. If I try to describe it probably the closest I can come to is a kind of unbounded awareness in which nothing stood apart: the Aldi, Iguazu Falls, it’s all good. There was no-body to reference back to or to “ground me”, no need for that either. As the cliche goes, I was one with everything.

No magic, nothing shocking, I just dropped into a state where everything simply was. In the moment, the experience felt very ordinary: oh yes, we are one. But when I look back, it feels completely extraordinary.

As usual, it took a long time to integrate the experience. And as the months went by (and the years) one day I found myself talking to a very old sympathique Dutch man in Katwijk, he was selling tiny handmade poetry booklets on a street market. At the time I was also writing poetry, I had accidentally started writing poetry to try to make sense of who or what I was, a habit that grew stronger and more fun after my son’s birth.

We had a long conversation, he had been practicing Zen for many years, it was a quite pleasant and unexpected encounter. At some point he paused and told me: you know, Buddhism is a religion. He told me that to indicate his posture, but also to find out where I stood in the whole philosophy – religion situationship. To my surprise, I very easily agreed with him. I agree with hm? That prompt a period of self-questioning.

I think I always saw Buddhism mostly as religion in Asia and a philosophy in the West. But never thought about it much.

But after the Aldi experience + a lot of time, I seem to have integrated the experience in a way that now I seem to believe that what happened in the Aldi, unbounded pure awareness, is what happens when we die. The self dissolves, and everything just is.

This is not what I think. Due to the embodied experience, I seem to now believe this.

After years of meditation practice, Buddhism, or more precisely, some experiences brought about by meditation, changed my understanding of death. More significantly, my understanding of what happens when we die, and for me at least, that is what religions do, provide a map, idea or “certainty” about the afterlife.

Maybe in some years my experience will be explained by synapses and chemicals in our brains, or I’ll have a new experience that’ll override my experiences of unbound awareness.

More likely, that narrative or the need to interpret experiences will also dissolve. But for now, if I question myself, to my surprise I seem to believe that this is what happens when we die, and I sort of live accordingly.

The tiny poetry book from the curious market man

Italian Experience

The Context

We just came back from a two-week vacation on the Italian coast. And I was very determined to spend every minute with daylight either on the beach or under the sea. I mostly succeeded.

During the first week of our arrival my airbnb hosts, an Italian couple, seven years together, encounter some issues. More specifically, she found out he was cheating on her and decided to leave him, packing and arranging moving trucks during our stay. During this painful time I decided to be present with her and her pain, having an Italian ex who also cheated on me allow me to connect based on my own experience and add some sorority love.

Towards the second week we noticed the ambiance was slightly too tense and decided to book a room at some bed & breakfast by the sea. I was still determined to spend as much time as close to the sea as possible.

Bu then my partner at some point mentioned he was bored with the beaches, which to me, made no sense. He wanted to, like do something else?! In light of his request and my admittedly selfish desire to be by the sea, I decided to solve the issue by skillful means, lol. So I told him we could do anything he wants but he must arrange the stay. He did come up with one plan, a place on the mountains –why?! I will never understand the Germanic mind. Anyway, his plan fell apart when he called the place he wanted to say in. Of course requesting a room within 24 hours during high season Italy was never going to work. I asked if he had a second choice for an overnight stay, you know, like a plan B. He did not. So the issue resolved itself #SkillfulMeans.

But I felt a bit evil, so me, being the almighty good meditator that “I” am, decided to help search for a place. I managed to find a place somewhere in the mountains and with good ratings for that very night. But srsly, the mountains… Pfff. Next day we were happily driving back to the sea. Mountains are weird, we all agreed.

The Experience

While I did encounter some mishaps, I managed to spend most days on a beautiful beach. And I was just there. Didn’t read, didn’t write or spent any time on my phone. I just sat there, or swam, or floated.

When I came back to The Netherlands, everything was different. My attention could easily rest on anything but furthermore, I found everything quite beautiful. The Sunlight particularly, even against the ugly side walk was of such a lovely quality. I drove my bike to the supermarket, and the tall trees I always bike by pulled me out of my head and I became the leafs and the wind. Quite beautiful, and with no effort whatsoever. The sound of the leaves, the wind… I was just sliding through the day and life, nothing particular, yet another world.

It made me think about

Arising and Passing Away?

It only lasted a few days, and I slowly felt like I was going back to the “cage”, which I have mostly created myself, I now realize.

I also feel the way I meditate is changing, there is a lot less effort now, nothing to do. Just communion with light, leaves, birds, water, nature. Now mostly with my eyes open.

Cala luna kayaks

Above, in our way to Cala Luna.